Da-Ta!

“Beauty is in the smize of the beholder.”

Yes, that’s an actual quote. And yes, Modelland by Tyra Banks, is an actual book. With pages. And no, it’s not written in red lipstick (Though that would have been awesome!).

Modelland is a mystical place where only the truly exception girls go to become one of seven Intoxibellas, the super-est (Hey, if Tyra can make up words, so can I!) of super models. Each year seven new Intoxibellas are chosen and released into the world to work their magic to entice you to buy everything from makeup, clothes, cars, and everything in between. And once it’s out with the old, then it’s in with the new as more girls are chosen to start the whole thing over again.

We begin with poor Tookie De La Crème (yes, that’s her name). A Forgetta-Girl (yes, it’s a word. Tyra said so!) who has been ignored by her family and classmates for as long as she can remember. Her parents dote on her little sister, Myrracle (yes, that’s her name) but when Tookie is chosen for Modelland, despite her parent’s best efforts to send Myrracle, it’s an opportunity for Tookie to finally shine. With four new best friends and a frightening mentor named, Ci~L (yes, that’s her name), Tookie will discover the horrors that await her in Modelland but strangely finds in it a new home where she feels she truly belongs.

Well, if you haven’t guessed already, Modelland is a strange, strange book. It’s silly, ridiculous, silly, non-sensical, silly… Tyra can tell a story but I think there is definitely room for improvement and editing next time. There would be times when I would think, “Wow, Tyra, I think you have something here.” Then she goes and throws in Guru Applaussez, who has a hand head, which she whips back and forth between her left and right hand to applause. Get it? Yeah.

As a long time viewer of America’s Next Top Model you can see where Tyra got her inspiration and I also know not take this book seriously. Have you not seen ANTM? Have you seen the challenges those girls go through? Modeling with tarantulas, walking along floating runways over water, posing as gargoyles or circus freaks or underwater, Cover Girl commercials from hell…

This was like watching a mystical, highly stylized version of America’s Next Top Model. It was all so melodramatic and I could totally hear Tyra’s voice as I read. Including. Her. Famous. Pauses. I’m stuck in between thinking this book is horrible and it’s so bad it’s good! But damn, were there some quotes:

Feed me an entire grilled cow, now!

Oh dahling, I can feel the burn now. But you know what they say… no pain, no removal of funk stain.

What’s up, Hot Queen?

The Pilgrim Plague, however, is terminal, dahling. And I am not referring to an airline departure lounge.

WHERE THE HELL IS Ci~L?!

The boobies high and tight on me. My knobbies pert and firm, agree. But forever young they will not be. No bra, they’ll sag with grav-i-tee!

Why is it bitter bitches have the worst halitosis? (We need a scientific experiment to find out if this is true!)

Oh and THIS PART had me DYING:

Bravo put his hand on the side of Tookie’s face. The warmth from it felt like sweet tea pouring into her mouth. He whispered straight into her ear, his lips brushing against her earlobe.

“I really like this, Tookie. It feels… right. I know I have to get out of here before you get in trouble, but… I don’t’ want to leave.”

His words felt like maple syrup coursing through her veins. “And I don’t want you to,” she replied. “You make me feel…” A single tear fell from her brown eye. “… like… like a … Rememba-Girl.”

Are you swooning from all the talk of sweet tea pouring into her mouth and maple syrup coursing through her veins? Yeah, neither was I. And look! Another word Tyra made up: Rememba-Girl!

So yeah, I don’t know what else to say. This is the first of a planned trilogy. Should I be excited or scared? And Tyra even threatened a movie. Uh sure, you do that, Tyra.