Da-Ta!

“Beauty is in the smize of the beholder.”

Yes, that’s an actual quote. And yes, Modelland by Tyra Banks, is an actual book. With pages. And no, it’s not written in red lipstick (Though that would have been awesome!).

Modelland is a mystical place where only the truly exception girls go to become one of seven Intoxibellas, the super-est (Hey, if Tyra can make up words, so can I!) of super models. Each year seven new Intoxibellas are chosen and released into the world to work their magic to entice you to buy everything from makeup, clothes, cars, and everything in between. And once it’s out with the old, then it’s in with the new as more girls are chosen to start the whole thing over again.

We begin with poor Tookie De La Crème (yes, that’s her name). A Forgetta-Girl (yes, it’s a word. Tyra said so!) who has been ignored by her family and classmates for as long as she can remember. Her parents dote on her little sister, Myrracle (yes, that’s her name) but when Tookie is chosen for Modelland, despite her parent’s best efforts to send Myrracle, it’s an opportunity for Tookie to finally shine. With four new best friends and a frightening mentor named, Ci~L (yes, that’s her name), Tookie will discover the horrors that await her in Modelland but strangely finds in it a new home where she feels she truly belongs.

Well, if you haven’t guessed already, Modelland is a strange, strange book. It’s silly, ridiculous, silly, non-sensical, silly… Tyra can tell a story but I think there is definitely room for improvement and editing next time. There would be times when I would think, “Wow, Tyra, I think you have something here.” Then she goes and throws in Guru Applaussez, who has a hand head, which she whips back and forth between her left and right hand to applause. Get it? Yeah.

As a long time viewer of America’s Next Top Model you can see where Tyra got her inspiration and I also know not take this book seriously. Have you not seen ANTM? Have you seen the challenges those girls go through? Modeling with tarantulas, walking along floating runways over water, posing as gargoyles or circus freaks or underwater, Cover Girl commercials from hell…

This was like watching a mystical, highly stylized version of America’s Next Top Model. It was all so melodramatic and I could totally hear Tyra’s voice as I read. Including. Her. Famous. Pauses. I’m stuck in between thinking this book is horrible and it’s so bad it’s good! But damn, were there some quotes:

Feed me an entire grilled cow, now!

Oh dahling, I can feel the burn now. But you know what they say… no pain, no removal of funk stain.

What’s up, Hot Queen?

The Pilgrim Plague, however, is terminal, dahling. And I am not referring to an airline departure lounge.

WHERE THE HELL IS Ci~L?!

The boobies high and tight on me. My knobbies pert and firm, agree. But forever young they will not be. No bra, they’ll sag with grav-i-tee!

Why is it bitter bitches have the worst halitosis? (We need a scientific experiment to find out if this is true!)

Oh and THIS PART had me DYING:

Bravo put his hand on the side of Tookie’s face. The warmth from it felt like sweet tea pouring into her mouth. He whispered straight into her ear, his lips brushing against her earlobe.

“I really like this, Tookie. It feels… right. I know I have to get out of here before you get in trouble, but… I don’t’ want to leave.”

His words felt like maple syrup coursing through her veins. “And I don’t want you to,” she replied. “You make me feel…” A single tear fell from her brown eye. “… like… like a … Rememba-Girl.”

Are you swooning from all the talk of sweet tea pouring into her mouth and maple syrup coursing through her veins? Yeah, neither was I. And look! Another word Tyra made up: Rememba-Girl!

So yeah, I don’t know what else to say. This is the first of a planned trilogy. Should I be excited or scared? And Tyra even threatened a movie. Uh sure, you do that, Tyra.

To Read or Not To Read: King Solomon’s Mines

Since I was no longer feeling A Princess of Mars I went ebook browsing on my Sony Reader. Project Gutenberg is a great place to get free digital copies of books that are in the public domain so I have over seventy books saved. As I was browsing I came across Allan Quatermain by H. Rider Haggard and I thought I’d give it a try. Now, if you read something like this what would you do?:

“I have just buried my boy, my poor handsome boy of whom I was so proud, and my heart is broken. It is very hard having only one son to lose him thus, but God’s will be done.”

Right?! I was completely caught off guard and was drawn in thinking, Oh my goodness, this is so horribly sad, what happened? I read a few pages more and was feeling like I can get into this. Then I did some research on the internet and learned that Allan Quatermain was a sequel to King Solomon’s Mines. Never liking to start a series from the middle I began reading King Solomon’s Mines, intending to follow it up with Allan Quatermain. I probably should have stuck with Allan Quatermain. But then, it could turn out to be just like King Solomon’s Mines.

So what’s so wrong with King Solomon’s Mines. Well, I was first insulted by the DEDICATION of all things!:

“This faithful but unpretending record of a remarkable adventure is hereby respectfully dedicated by the narrator, Allan Quatermain, to all the big and little boys who read it.”

Big and little boys?! As if big and little girls would not enjoy this book?! As Stephanie Tanner would say, “How rude!” Then as I read further I began to understand why it was dedicated to “big and little boys”. They’re the only ones who believe themselves superior and like to hunt and kill animals for sport! This is such a product of the late 19th century; a well-to-do Englishman in South Africa who believes himself superior. I’m offended but at the same time think he doesn’t know better. Then I feel like I’m making excuses for the character, and in turn, the author. I don’t know what to think. I’m confused. But can I still enjoy the adventure? And what do I know of the author? Not much. Maybe he didn’t feel the way his character does and the character is based on someone he has met? And if I just stop reading am I the same as those who have tried to ban the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and To Kill a Mockingbird? See? Still confused. But, as I have continued reading King Solomon’s Mines it has amused me immensely to make snarky notations whenever Allan Quatermain insults the intelligence of anyone who is not an Englishman. He calls them a Zulu even if they’re not! Even when he knows they’re not a Zulu!

Well, if King Solomon’s Mines gets to be too much for me I’ve got a backup. I’ve finally given in and picked up a copy of The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. Why did I wait so long? Battle Royale, The Running Man.. yeah, enough said. To be continued...

To Read Or Not To Read: A Princess of Mars

Last week I started reading A Princess of Mars, by Edgar Rice Burroughs. I feel bad saying this but I’m not feeling it. So far it’s been alright. It’s well written, too the point and moves at a nice steady pace.

I should want to read it. It’s a classic. I wasn’t that into A Tale of Two Cities at first but I’m glad I stuck with it because it got REALLY good in the second half. Maybe the same will happen with a Princess of Mars, but maybe not.

I really want to read it knowing the movie John Carter will be coming out next year and it’s directed by Andrew Stanton, who directed two Pixar movies: Finding Nemo and WALL-E. Then I watched the trailer and I didn’t feel anything for it. When I watched the teaser trailer for The Dark Knight Returns I was pretty excited even though I haven’t been a huge fan of the two previous Batman movies. When I saw The Three Musketeers trailer it angered me. The point is I felt something. With the John Carter trailer I felt nothing. I wasn’t impressed and I think it contributed to not wanting to continue reading A Princess of Mars.

But it wasn’t just the trailer. I was not feeling it even when I began. I was forcing myself to read it and I should have known better. Whenever I try to force myself to read something I lose interest, and not just in what I’m reading, but I lose interest when I try to read other books. Not good!

I love reading! I need a good book at all times! I’ll have to pause and return to A Princess of Mars when it’s the right time. It doesn’t feel good to be in a reading slump and I need to get out of it before it gets worse. Now, what to read... that is the question…

To be continued…